I realized today, as I slid out of my head into the present moment, that I had forgotten it. I thought of my baby Grandson and his natural mindfulness. Babies are natural Buddhas. I was a Buddha Baby once. Now, decades later, I'm working to get back to that mind set!!
The day my Grandbaby was born, nine months ago, I watched him be Present. Birth from the watery bowl of the womb to the weighted pull of gravity was a shock for him. Every occurrence was HUGE for him. His body literally writhed with the appearance of something else - a burp, a poop, a sound, a light. It was intriguing to watch him discover life on planet Earth.
He was very focused on what was going on with his body. He was not worrying about his future. He was simply there, in the moment, being a baby. As I looked into his new dark eyes, I wondered if he had come from somewhere else, if he had been tall once or if he once had wings and, if he did, did he remember? I wondered if that was a reference point to all of this new stuff.
He was uncomfortable. That was apparent. Physicality was heavy and active for him. He was very keyed in to the workings of his organs, especially the newly functioning digestive system. Being touched and held was new. Seeing bright lights was new. Hearing was loud and new. Breathing was new. He was caught in a plethora of sensation. That was all he knew - being new!!
I, on the other hand, was all up in my head. This was my first Grandbaby. I was awash with emotions, awe, wonder, sadness, joy. This was a next generation - I saw all my relatives in his face - especially my husband, Joshua, who had died too young 20 years before. I wanted Josh to see.him. Hold him. I was remembering when the nurse handed Josh his own crying newborn; how he said, "Hey Baby" and the crying baby stopped crying immediately. Josh would be just as enamored with his Grandbaby. It was something we needed to share, like so many things that had occurred over the years. But this child was his first Grandbaby!
So I was not in the now, yet I was very much in the now - literally two places at once!! Sadness and Joy, Present and Past all jumbled up in my heart and head.
Emotions, more than anything, are what tend to throw us out of the Now experience. Primarily because we run from the emotions. We have dubbed some emotions as unacceptable. We fight them when they appear. We do the Denial or Repression or Avoidance dance.
We have categorized certain feelings, such as anger, sadness and fear, as negative. We have decided that Serenity means being in passive peace all the time - Is it? Feelings of all sorts are part of our make up. They are beautiful. They help us function, just as blood and oxygen and muscles moving make us function. They are part and parcel of who we are.
Without them, we would be psychopathic - then we'd really have a problem as a society!!
Watching my Grandbaby, I could see that his NOW experience included feelings. He was uncomfortable. Maybe even unhappy, may be even upset!!! He was fully in those feelings. When his mommy tried to nurse him, he was unhappy, then angry!! The brand new baby was not happy with the physical experience.and he let us know. He squealed like a piglet.
It was grand!
Being Present does not mean being dull or passive or unemotional or, even worse, only peaceful..... It means being here in all the happenings and feelings of the moment - without editing!! Without self-negation or self-criticism. It means being human in all its glorious and not-so-glorious trappings.
We have that ability. We used it when we were born and on into childhood where it slowly waned under the onslaught of adult opinion. When our adult companions told us to not cry or shamed us or failed us in some way, we began the cycling of self-editing. We refrained from being our selves, we curbed our authenticity.
Now, well-edited and bent into all kinds of forms of me, I am working to get back to that Place of Being, just being, in the moment, aware of everything, feeling my feelings, living fully and staying there. Aware, awake and very much alive!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Mundane Monday
Shifting into Serenity can be elusive on Monday mornings. I had awoken in fear, as I do many Monday mornings. The self-shaming voices started right up as I fed the cats and readied for work. There was a certain hopeless despair that was following me around.
I live in the city and work 25 miles up the Interstate in a county that is home to eagles, great blue herons and golden eagle. I looked for all of them this morning. The sight of them always grounds me in miracles.
But they, too, were elusive. I got to work, ran through the already-too-hot air and started my workday. The computer meant Pandora and meditative music - David & Steve Gordon, Anugama, Peter Davison. It also means,checking out my Tweets from the Daiai Lama, Marianne Williamson, and Lama Surya Das. That's where a tweet from Lama Surya Das directed me to his blog that would serve as the eagles I didn't see this morning.
He wrote about The Five Perfections at Beliefnet.com. As I read, I found my Place:
That was my eagle. There it was, the vision above the mundane. The vision that makes the mundane Sacred. Who am I to judge the seeming mundane as unacceptable, as beneath my enjoyment or appreciation, as something to NOT want to be a part of? Much as I was fighting it this morning, going to work is part of my Sacredness. It is where Monday morning becomes Holy. I-95 is my Sacred Journey to my Holy Monday. All is part of Who I Be and Where I Am.
The problem isn't Monday morning, the problem is me and how I sit in it. I was not 'sitting' this morning. I was somewhere else and it resulted in fear. I was out of Awareness and into shaky ground. I was ready to run. I was not here.
Everything is Sacred. Life is Sacred. Living is Holy. So much happened this weekend that wants to tear at the mind and mishape it. There was a violence in Norway that made no sense, not that violence ever makes sense, but this was formed in the mind of a mad man who looked like a neighbor. He didn't look 'crazed', but he was. In Baltimore, a baby is missing and the images of his hysterical young mother is heart breaking. I have a 9 month old grandbaby and her terror was mine. A young addict whose songs win awards was found dead on Saturday. We have watched her for years, hoping she would find the safety of Sobriety.
The Holiness of such painful occurrences is hard to see, but it is there in the emotions and the prayers that rise like little lights of Hope. Thank Goodness we can pray! But, I wasn't seeing it this morning. I was caught up in my own Monday morning anguish, wishing I were somewhere else other than here. But HERE is my Sacredness. HERE is my NOW. It is my Breath and my Heart and the vibrancy of all that IS.
I am learning to not be dependent on my outward life, the life that is more Sacred than I often allow it to be. I judge between environments - wanting my surroundings to be peaceful and kind. Wanting my outsides to be what I struggle to make my 'insides'. I am learning how to be here in such a way that my outsides will not determine my inside environment. I am learning through my focus on Buddhism and Spirituality to truly appreciate EVERYTHING.
Life is an incredible miracle. It does not make scientific sense. We should not be, yet we are. I don't make my heart beat, yet it does, like clockwork. My own special clock of life. Miracles surround us - birds make music, butterflies are virtual living artwork and our pets love us unconditionally.
If I stay in that, I have Peace. If I stay AWAKE in the vision of Gratitude, I am always in Serenity. If I stay here, I am content.
It's when I decide that certain aspects of living are unacceptable that I struggle with being here. When I simply Be Here, I am OK. I am more than ok, I am alive!
I live in the city and work 25 miles up the Interstate in a county that is home to eagles, great blue herons and golden eagle. I looked for all of them this morning. The sight of them always grounds me in miracles.
But they, too, were elusive. I got to work, ran through the already-too-hot air and started my workday. The computer meant Pandora and meditative music - David & Steve Gordon, Anugama, Peter Davison. It also means,checking out my Tweets from the Daiai Lama, Marianne Williamson, and Lama Surya Das. That's where a tweet from Lama Surya Das directed me to his blog that would serve as the eagles I didn't see this morning.
He wrote about The Five Perfections at Beliefnet.com. As I read, I found my Place:
This moment’s teaching, whatever you’re getting, is the perfect teaching. If it’s silence, this is the perfect teaching. If it’s birdsong or traffic noise—that’s it. If it’s a harsh lesson or confusing, this, too, is it. None other to seek or long for; utmost reality is encoded in it, right here and now. The noble Dharma, or liberating Truth, is being eloquently expressed right here and now, for those with unobstructed ears to hear and eyes of pure vision to see. The sound of the stream is the song of the divine; the wind in the trees, the breath of the Goddess. Those around us are our sangha, the congregation or holy community of bodhisattvas and seekers.
That was my eagle. There it was, the vision above the mundane. The vision that makes the mundane Sacred. Who am I to judge the seeming mundane as unacceptable, as beneath my enjoyment or appreciation, as something to NOT want to be a part of? Much as I was fighting it this morning, going to work is part of my Sacredness. It is where Monday morning becomes Holy. I-95 is my Sacred Journey to my Holy Monday. All is part of Who I Be and Where I Am.
The problem isn't Monday morning, the problem is me and how I sit in it. I was not 'sitting' this morning. I was somewhere else and it resulted in fear. I was out of Awareness and into shaky ground. I was ready to run. I was not here.
Everything is Sacred. Life is Sacred. Living is Holy. So much happened this weekend that wants to tear at the mind and mishape it. There was a violence in Norway that made no sense, not that violence ever makes sense, but this was formed in the mind of a mad man who looked like a neighbor. He didn't look 'crazed', but he was. In Baltimore, a baby is missing and the images of his hysterical young mother is heart breaking. I have a 9 month old grandbaby and her terror was mine. A young addict whose songs win awards was found dead on Saturday. We have watched her for years, hoping she would find the safety of Sobriety.
The Holiness of such painful occurrences is hard to see, but it is there in the emotions and the prayers that rise like little lights of Hope. Thank Goodness we can pray! But, I wasn't seeing it this morning. I was caught up in my own Monday morning anguish, wishing I were somewhere else other than here. But HERE is my Sacredness. HERE is my NOW. It is my Breath and my Heart and the vibrancy of all that IS.
I am learning to not be dependent on my outward life, the life that is more Sacred than I often allow it to be. I judge between environments - wanting my surroundings to be peaceful and kind. Wanting my outsides to be what I struggle to make my 'insides'. I am learning how to be here in such a way that my outsides will not determine my inside environment. I am learning through my focus on Buddhism and Spirituality to truly appreciate EVERYTHING.
Life is an incredible miracle. It does not make scientific sense. We should not be, yet we are. I don't make my heart beat, yet it does, like clockwork. My own special clock of life. Miracles surround us - birds make music, butterflies are virtual living artwork and our pets love us unconditionally.
If I stay in that, I have Peace. If I stay AWAKE in the vision of Gratitude, I am always in Serenity. If I stay here, I am content.
It's when I decide that certain aspects of living are unacceptable that I struggle with being here. When I simply Be Here, I am OK. I am more than ok, I am alive!
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